Childfree

Feminism, Fear, and Peter Pan

I pulled into a spot at the back of my grocery store’s parking lot. I removed my 11-month-old daughter from her car seat and began walking to the store. We passed another car that had just pulled in. On its bumper a sticker read “Women just want to have FUNdamental rights.” Out of the car stepped a 20 something year old woman with a pink streak of hair in stark contrast to the natural black held in a messy ponytail. My daughter is in the uncomfortable phase of locking eyes with strangers. She stared over my shoulder locking eyes with this woman. I’m often chastised by my wife for walking too quickly in public forcing her to trot to catch up, but this woman shot past me like I was standing still. Any faster and she would have been in a full run. The innocent blue eyes of my daughter made her horribly uncomfortable.

This is not the first time I have noticed this. In fact, most people I encounter under the age of 30 seem horribly awkward around my kid. People over 30 will go out of their way to smile or wave, or offer some comment, but I see 20 somethings fill with dread whenever they see my daughter. This seems to be the norm, especially among liberal leaning young women. Pregnancy is seen as one of the worst possible outcomes from sex. For one of the first time in history more young women say they never want kids than young men. What is driving this bizarre cultural trend?

Freud would diagnose most of the feminist movement with penis envy. The desire for women to leave behind their femininity and take up the traditional roles men have held in society. I know there are many who would say feminism is the advocacy for women to have the options unrestricted by gender roles, but their heroes belie this claim. Feminist heroes are almost always those that have succeeded in male dominated fields. In politics or STEM, or sports; rarely do they champion those who fulfill the feminine roles of society. They push for more college education, for more time spent at the office, for less time spent with family and relationships. They’ve had tremendous success. Women make up the majority of college grads. The majority of young single women rank career advancement as a higher priority than starting a family.

To take up the role without taking its purpose is a hollow act. I work 40+ hours a week most weeks at a job that I find challenging. Why do I do this? Money? Perhaps, but what do I want money for? For me, it has always been easy to answer, I wish to provide for my family. I have asked feminist leaning friends why they want this life; the most common response is “freedom.” I always follow with, freedom to do what? This follow-up question is usually the stumper. It’s an unexamined life, one that’s been put before them without much consideration. There are very few of us who will truly make the world a better place through our career, there are very few careers that will lead to scientific or legal or historical changes in the world. If this is your ambition in life, God bless, but be honest with yourself. What do you want the purpose of your life to be?

The myth sold by the feminists is women had little to no say in society. They were destined to become wives and mothers barred inside the home. All other paths shut to them. This of course is a fabrication. Most women had a job outside the home, it was a financial necessity for all but the wealthiest of families. The cultural norm of motherhood was assumed. This was not the oppressive yoke of a male dominated society; it was what women believed to be a good life. Raising their children brought joy and meaning to their lives. A young woman who would say she did not want to be a mother would be met with skeptical eyes from her mother and sisters and female friends. Women have always played a crucial role in culture and maintaining cultural norms which spring organically from the bottom up. The feminist view, indeed, the progressive view of culture, is it’s imposed from on high. This moves the blame of cultural norms onto whichever group holds the highest political powers in the culture. Perhaps feminists in 100 years’ time will blame the “patriarchal” society we live in today for the cultural norms of childfree and a career centric life.

Feminist’s dominant voice in our culture is not the only variable in play. Arrested development is rampant in both boys and girls. Risky behavior in adolescence has been in decline for generations. Rates of smoking, drinking, sex, and drug use have all plummeted. At face value this is probably good for the health of our youth, but what are they replacing these activities with? For the most part video games and the internet. That’s to say teens are giving up social experiences for solo activities. The result is a stunted development. Longer time spent living with parents, putting off getting a job, going without a driver’s license. They are putting off integration into adult society.

With adulthood comes responsibility. No longer are you being cared for, you have to find clothing, shelter, and food for yourself. Many young adults are getting cash supplements for all of these. The Peter Pan syndrome doesn’t stop at finances, it also affects entertainment. Disney shows, cartoons, and superheroes dominate all forms of media. Even media directed at children has gained massive adult followings. Disney Channel reports almost 90% of its audience is over the age of 18. This arrested development has come at the expense of their mental health. Increases of diagnosed mental disorders has skyrocketed in recent years, driven by the under-30 population. Increased anxiety levels about the future, about their competency, about their lives in general. With a tremendous fear of aging and underdeveloped social skills, it should be no surprise young people are fearful of becoming parents.

You often see this anxiety misplaced onto the political struggle du jour. “I just don’t want to bring children into this crazy messed up world.” A noble sentiment, how caring they must be for the unborn. Of course it’s a lie. Masking our cowardice with virtue is something we all do from time to time. It may be climate anxiety, or it might be fear of world war, or of economic collapse, the excuses change with the news cycle. The anxiety is deeper than that.

There has also been a dedicated messaging campaign to paint pregnancy as one of the worst outcomes of sex. Sex education in schools is almost entirely dedicated to reducing the transmission of disease and the number of teen pregnancies, but to this end they are reshaping cultural attitudes towards sex and parenthood. Sex’s primary purpose is reproduction, yet it’s taught to children that reproduction is a negative consequence of having sex “the wrong way.” It’s taught that if this “tragedy” were to befall you, you should immediately seek out the termination of the pregnancy. In fact, the right to do so is THE fundamental right of women, more important than all other political issues. It’s a single issue that carried democrats into victory during the last two election cycles, powered by the single young woman vote.

Democrats & Unmarried Women: Explanation & Context | National Review

At root of this desire to not become parents is a deeply seated fear. It’s a fear of the responsibility that comes with caring for a child, a responsibility many have not even taken for themselves. It’s from decades of messaging that life’s purpose should be career advancement, for the sake of career advancement. It’s from being taught that pregnancy is a medical ailment that should be avoided at all costs, a fear that reshapes the political landscape. The Childfree movement tries to deny their fear, they try to ignore the causes. They post about their desire for quiet spaces, or their disgust with children in general, or a noble fear of the future, but their often extreme reactions to seeing children tell the true tale. They are afraid.

I think back to that woman in the parking lot, who has made being proudly pro-choice the center of her political identity. A near statical certainty that she’s been diagnosed with anxiety or depression. A proud feminist who knows she doesn’t need a man or a child to feel complete. She sees a child staring at her in a bemused innocence, and she loses it. All of the pretense she has built is stripped away. There it is, the source of her fear, the source of her longing. She runs away.